


This Is Me Trying

by gwendolyncooper



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Angst, Cheating, F/M, Fluff, Gwen Cooper Character Arc FixIt, Gwen deserves the world and I want her development to happen so I'm doing it, M/M, Polyamorous!Gwen, Retconning the retcon bit, Tosh being a total babe, lots of communication
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-18
Updated: 2020-08-17
Packaged: 2021-03-06 05:41:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,524
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25964536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gwendolyncooper/pseuds/gwendolyncooper
Summary: “Sometimes you do stupid things to try and cope, to get a sense of normalcy, to make all this chaos and the Rift and space and aliens and the things we see make sense. Stupid, horrible things that should never have happened, and they come back ‘round to bite you again, and--”“What happened, Gwen?”Tosh’s prodding is soft and careful, but it speaks the glaring truth they both know - Gwen is stalling, talking around the issue at hand. Verdant eyes flash upwards with a startling intensity now, wide and filling with unshed tears again, the special agent’s plush lips pressed into a trembling line as she attempts to retain a semblance of control over her emotions.“I told Rhys about Owen.”
Relationships: Gwen Cooper & Toshiko Sato, Gwen Cooper/Owen Harper, Gwen Cooper/Rhys Williams
Comments: 6
Kudos: 11





	This Is Me Trying

**Author's Note:**

> I've wanted to explore all of Gwen's relationships with the team, herself, and Rhys for a long time. I think she got the short end of the stick when it comes to character development, despite all the screen time, so here's an exploration. This is very pro-Gwen, while acknowledging her flaws.

“I’ve been having...a hard time adjusting.”

The coffee mug is grasped between long fingers, the heat radiating from it almost _too_ hot, scorching at the palm of Gwen’s hand. She doesn’t move. Rather, she lets it radiate against her skin, a searing reminder of why she is here, with this mug that’s a little bit too big for her hands, instead of at home with her favorite mug to drink coffee from in the early morning hours.

The woman across the counter from her says little, simply gazes at her with dark eyes made hazy from sleep not long past. It’s a blessing that she’s gotten sleep at all - Gwen certainly hasn’t. Her sudden arrival on Toshiko’s doorstep at 3am had certainly come as a surprise to them _both_ \- the tears streaking Gwen’s face and summary breakdown in the smaller woman’s arms had hammered that shock home.

She just hadn’t known where else to go.

Tosh hadn’t asked questions, bless her, aside from a soft “do you want to talk?” that was answered with a miserable shake of the Welshwoman’s head. In response, she’d simply made Gwen a bed on the couch, laying out blankets and pillows and ensuring that she was as comfortable as she could be on such short notice. Gwen had immediately curled up into the smallest ball she could manage on the cushions as the lights were turned out. She’d waited for the telltale hesitation in footsteps that was Tosh wondering if she should say something more, and then the continued path to the bedroom.

It was only after the door closed that she’d cried again, sobbing softly into the blanket balled up in her fist and pressed to her face to muffle the sound. There’d been no option to sleep that night, not when her stomach felt balled up in knots.

The silence around her shakes her back to the present, standing in the kitchen in the dawning light with Toshiko, and she releases the coffee mug with a slight hiss. Green eyes flicker away from her absent stare at the countertop to her palm, the skin red and protesting. She opts not to comment on it, instead looking back up at the woman who’s flat she’d invaded so abruptly. A slight second passes as her gaze flickers to the ceiling, regaining traction on a derailed train of thought. “Sorry, I - Torchwood. I’ve been having a hard time adjusting to _Torchwood._ ” Her lungs fill slowly with coffee-scented air, cool and dry in the pleasant atmosphere of Tosh’s apartment. It feels more calming and helpful than it had in the dark alone the night before; she swallows thickly around the seemingly ever-present lump in her throat in a failed attempt to relax into it. Their resident genius doesn’t respond still, allowing that open silence to hang heavy between them for another few moments more, allowing Gwen to gather her thoughts. She can feel the curiosity behind that sympathy in steady brown eyes; she wonders if that care will remain once the story finally is dragged out of her, piece by painful piece.

“It - I mean, _you know it._ It’s frightening and wonderful and _strange,_ every bit of it, learning to deal is--”

“Difficult.”

“ _Impossible,_ ” she returns to the interjection, finally glancing up to meet her gaze, brows drawing together in an expression of helpless concern. “I mean, I was on the beat, the craziest thing I’d ever dealt with was drunk rugby fans after a bad match, I’d…” She fumbles for her words, shaking her head and taking a sip of coffee - _right, too hot, too hot_ \- before setting the mug down again, just a _little_ too hard on the stone countertop. “And sometimes you do _stupid_ things to try and cope, to get a sense of normalcy, to make all this chaos and the Rift and space and aliens and the things we **see** make sense. Stupid, horrible things that should never have happened, and they come back ‘round to bite you again, and--”

“What happened, Gwen?”

Tosh’s prodding is soft and careful, but it speaks the glaring truth they both know - Gwen is _stalling,_ talking around the issue at hand. Verdant eyes flash upwards with a startling intensity now, wide and filling with unshed tears again, the special agent’s plush lips pressed into a trembling line as she attempts to retain a _semblance_ of control over her emotions.

“I told Rhys about Owen.”

The mixture of emotions from Tosh at Gwen’s flat announcement can hardly be blamed - her expression goes from surprise to a flash of that familiar hurt and annoyance that surfaces whenever Gwen’s tryst with the man Toshiko so clearly loves is brought up, before it fades back into surprise and a certain sort of wariness. It truly _isn’t_ fair that she’s come here, to poor _Tosh,_ when everything is so tangled up in her emotions over that. They all remember strikingly the wreck Toshiko had made of things with the alien pendant, but Gwen above all remembers their conversation afterwards - the only one they’d had on the topic, in fact. It had been all too brief, and reserved in the face of Toshiko’s grief over Mary. Perhaps she should have attempted once again to close that rift and soothe over old hurts, but she’d been too nervous to reopen an argument betwixt them, especially once she had broken things off with Owen.

“...and it didn’t go well, I’m guessing?”

Tosh’s voice sounds like she’s walking on glass, trying to keep from saying anything too loud or too harsh, in the case that it cracks and shatters around her. Hot tears again spill over Gwen’s lids, streaking new trails of salt over her skin where previous tears had already dried. “No, no, he --” Her voice breaks again, and she presses a hand to her mouth as if to hide the sound. “Tosh, he was looking at _rings._ ”

Regret trails heavily in the wake of her words as the sniffles begin. And now that the tears have started, they won’t stop. “I heard - I heard him talking to Daf, the other night, they were goin’ ring shoppin’ this weekend while I was out. He sounded so _happy_ . I just - and I just _couldn’t,_ not with that secret hangin’ over us, not when he didn’t know, so I _told_ him, and Tosh - god, Tosh, the way he **looked** at me…”

A sob once again breaks her voice, and before she can look up again, she finds Tosh at her side, pulling her into her arms. Gwen doesn’t bother to resist or question, instead melting into the smaller woman’s grasp, clinging to her with fingers tangled in the back of her soft jumper as though Toshiko Sato is the only thing keeping her from falling to pieces.

For a long while, there are no words - only Gwen’s broken sobbing and sniffles, muffled in Tosh’s shoulder, and the soft sensation of her friend running a hand up and down the other’s spine in an attempt to bring comfort. Behind closed lids, Gwen finds she cannot forget the shocked, devastated look in Rhys’ eyes for even a moment, and she quickly opens them again, finally forcing herself to pull back and swipe unsteadily at the tears. A broken laugh escapes her, uneven and cracked, as she attempts to pull herself together. “Sorry, I’m sorry. He just - he was so _hurt,_ he’s got a right to be. But he got angry and told me to leave and...and I don’t even know if he’s goin’ to take me back. I just wanted to be honest, spent days figurin’ out what I’d say and…”

She takes in a few gulps of air in an attempt to forestall the buzzing feeling under the hot skin of her face that came from hyperventilation, shaking her head. “I know - I _know_ it wasn’t ever goin’ to go well, but part of me hoped we’d just sort it like that and move on and-- sorry, I’m _sorry,_ Tosh, I just couldn’t go to Owen, and Ianto and Jack are at the Hub and I didn’t want to explain to them both, I--”

“Gwen, take a breath.” Tosh’s voice is almost eerily calm for the situation, and her soft hands rest against Gwen’s arms now. “It’s all right. You needed someone, and I’ve always said I’d be here, haven’t I?” Gwen nods, near-hiccuping now in her attempts to suck in air and calm herself. “Good. So you’re fine to come here.”

“I just - I know you and Owen--”

“We’re not talking about that.” For the first time, Toshiko’s voice is edged with a warning, and Gwen knows better than to pursue the end of that apology. “We’re talking about you and Rhys.” Her soft grasp squeezes Gwen’s arms again, and the frost at the edges of her gaze melts once more into soft compassion. “Give him some space to cool off. Maybe text him and tell him you’ll be here to talk when he wants to.”

“ _If_ he wants to,” she retorts miserably, and Tosh shakes her head.

“ _When._ You and Rhys have always talked before.”

For another moment, Gwen struggles with the guilt and shame that hang heavy in her chest, before she forces a bracing breath into her lungs and nods. “Right. You’re right. I...Tosh? Do you - d’you think he’ll take me back?”

Tosh simply gazes at her for a moment, before a deep inhale lifts her chest, and she puts on a smile Gwen knows all-too-well. It’s avoidant, and surely enough, the subject is quickly changed. “Do you want me to call in for you? I can tell Jack you’ve got a stomach bug, or--”

“No, he’ll know somethin’s up if it’s not me calling. And I - I need something to distract me.” Gwen finds she cannot quell the anxiety that rises up in her stomach like a coiled serpent at the idea of seeing Owen today - there was no way she could attempt even the mildest of banter or jokes. Perhaps he’ll be in a foul mood or leave her be.

“Right, okay. You’ll need a change of clothes. I’ve got some tops that will fit you.”

“I can keep the jeans. Megan’s - Megan’s got some of my stuff at her place, I’ll pick it up after work tonight. I can go to hers, she’s just got her nieces this week--”

“You can stay here as long as you need.” There’s surprise in Gwen’s expression at Tosh’s offer, and she cants her head a bit at her, but Tosh is already heading towards the bedroom, leaving Gwen to trail uncertainly behind her. “Doesn’t make sense for you to be farther away with people who will question your hours. And I’m close to the Hub, so there won’t be a delay if we need you.”

“Right, yeah, just...don’t want to intrude…”

“You’re fine,” Tosh repeats, disappearing into the closet as Gwen sits uncertainly on the bed. She’s seen Toshiko’s flat before, of course - Tosh often hosted their team drinking nights. She and the woman had disappeared here to gossip under the influence of alcohol before, but she hasn’t spent much time in the bedroom sober. It was a lot of red; more than Gwen expects from Tosh. But it was nice. Comfortable. Toshiko clearly lived in this space, unlike Owen did with his, or Jack in the Hub.

God, she hopes she doesn’t have to tell them. She doesn’t think she can manage that, not now.

Tosh emerges shortly after with a few blouses in hand, setting them on the bed. “I’ve already showered, if you want to do that. I’ll finish up getting ready and head into the Hub. You come when you’re ready.”

“You’re always there so early,” Gwen comments absently, running her fingers along the fabric of a deep green top.

“I’m an early riser.” Tosh smiles that humorless smile of hers, the one that’s more perfunctory than anything else, and grabs her boots and a jacket she’d brought out with her. “Make yourself at home.”

“Thanks, Tosh.” The response is almost absent, as the woman disappears from sight. There’s a few moments of movement in the kitchen, and then the opening and closing of the door, a key in the lock, and then silence.

For a long while, the flat settles into quiet. Somewhere far away, there is the sound of early-morning Cardiff traffic, and someone moving in the flat overhead. Gwen remains as though made of stone, staring blankly at nothing at all as her thoughts run wild into shadows of regret and fear She’s losing the love of her life. He’s stayed with her through everything, through chaos and her job and finding out exactly _what_ her job is, and now, she may lose him.

It’s this thought that prompts her into movement, through the bedroom door into the living room to find her phone on the couch, her heart beating erratically for a moment as she scoops it up. The notifications are empty. No texts. A deep sigh filters through her lungs, and she drafts a text - pauses, deletes it, drafts it again. It’s nearly fifteen minutes before she sends the text, a lump in her throat as she watches it on its way, until confirmation that it’s gone through is given.

_**[ SMS to: Love ❤ ]** I’m so sorry. I know I’ve fucked up, I can’t say I’m sorry enough._   
_I’m staying at Toshiko’s for now, to give you some space. The second you want to talk,_   
_I’m here. I love you, I’ve never loved anyone like I love you, and I never will. Hope you’re okay._

The phone is snapped shut with a fair amount of immediacy and dropped onto the bed as though it has burned her, before she turns and snatches up the green blouse. The bathroom door is closed, and the area is filled with steam for a long while before she steps out of the shower again. Getting ready feels like a chore, her body heavy and her guilt weighing on her like a crushing boulder. Her phone doesn’t light up with a response.

Finally, she finds herself ready to get off to work, purse in hand, and she exits Tosh’s flat. A pause; she doesn’t have a key on her, and she curses. Well. She can only hope Tosh trusts those in her building, there’s nothing to be done about it. She shuts the door firmly and makes her way down to her car.

It’s a miracle that she makes it to the Hub; she doesn’t remember the drive when she gets there. It’s too early for Ianto to be in the tourism office, thank god, so she descends into the base alone. There’s a brief moment of worry and stress as she stands behind the large cog door, waiting for it to open, and she tries to regulate her breathing to stay calm.

_Right, Gwen, you’ve proven you’re a bloody good liar. So lie and make everyone think you’re okay._

The door rolls open like an inexorable force has pushed it, and Gwendolyn Cooper, Special Agent, steps into Torchwood.


End file.
